eyes/valentines day

heeheee im sure you know who this is for, juice.  virgo looks the nicest to me. 
so been going to school to study, yesterday was a suck day. did nothing much/
today was better, sorta. wanted to do math.. started with math then ended up with ipc
well at least its still studying rite?? i enjoy studying with my juice and ham sooo much like picnic sia ahahaaha well at least they provide adequate distractions... 
ahhhh so paranoid i cannot wake up for my paper, after waking up at nonsense timings these past few days
okay must train, tmr onwards wake up at decent time....


Valentines day:
well it was fun and disappointing, walao why singaporean people don't want to stare!
heehee... we met the bunch at esplanade near the river there, did small talk stuff and ate muffin
saw my z! ahaha then she left, wth can.. 
then juice and i went to pick city up, ahaha we pretend to be les on the way
then we count how many people stare. sigh not much disappointed. 
we try diff tactics all okay
then went back finn had joined the usual group, then we walk to lau pa sat to eat
then of course people must pretend to be les/gay while walking cause they want to follow awesome people
ya then eat then go home lor, felt a bit diff not like the usual gathering.. maybe cause its like town?? cannot be so lepak kind.
well its the time spent and company that matter rite?
actually i have no idea what the heck that is, but lets move on shall we
gave 'balloons and flowers' to ham and juice
still owe my sis choc though, sorry uh still manufacturing..besides she's the one earning shd be she treat me instead... until i feel like typing random nonsense and dedicating pictures byeeeeee

spoken words

When you say things out loud it really makes a difference from knowing it within
i din want to. your my friend the last thing i want to do is talk about you like that
it just happens i was not the only one feeling that way. and stupid w has to make us confess.
ahhhhhhhh w why why why... i feel so bad all the time now.
especially that day after the talk at macs we still go mr teh and eat...like don know
what to do sia. yes i changed seat, but its beyond unwilling... the silent mouthing thing?
i do it myself when i feel down, so no right for me to get irritated by it. and maybe it
won't have but considering the events earlier, it did.
j, the closer you are to someone the harder it is to tell them.. cause you know how much it will hurt.
and knowing her i know the after effects of it.
i don't want that to happen, they say forgive your friends when they make mistakes for the moments of joy they give. i already told you i can ignore and pretend like it din happen, like its not bothering me but its not enough.
thee only reason i suddenly start talking about this is her recent post on fb la.
feel that it concerns me, could be just me being paraniod or it is true.
the pic post about smiling? ( i have been there for you before, a one off is just that a one off)
i did notice okay, just that at that point im not in the happiest mood and i know better than to make urs worse.
the talk to you thing( umm hello, you the one don't want to talk okay, not me) you supose to text me yest what time you finish, you never did. so don't blame me)

ahhhhhh i feel like im being super petty... okay ppl just ignore the top portion, its just smth i need to type out to get it out of my head..
moving on; been having study/dinner dates with drama people often...hahaha its fun but then again how long can this last huh..
and seniors leave hen yr 2 got attachment going to be really sad at drama when sch starts again... hope new poeple come in( we need the manpower) and that they are the nice will stay kinda ppl.
they study sesssion on mon, din work out.. got distracted alot.
w was at another table still cannot study..
z has no exaam so she playing over there..
and we met h!! like we happen to study right outside her class ahahaha
then she call nad, who also distract us
so major fail that one..
then went for dinner with loads of ppl g, nigel and azziz joined us... hmmmm lots of gossip
they had outing on wed, but i din go....felt super tired after the paper have no idea why
recently beeen amazed by the amount of sleep i need. like not sleepy but if i lie they i fall asleep one
then yest ( fri) had one
the study with j was great till anmol, nad and wayne sortajoined us (they eating at table beside us)
but after they eat started talking okay can tahan... then azfar came, then siang
in like omg shutup pls!!!!! i kept mouthing that at j, i plug inalso still so noisyy....
my awesome conc. suddenly gone.
went to buy food with j come back got more ppl.. so ja dn h were eating i go back to study.. did VERY little.....then they leave, finally!!! its not that i don like the company its just that they also not talking to us but sit there its major distracting.... then did abit cause j and h no more mood... go clubroom and wait around as we going dinner with g and nigell.... din feel like eating when we go there so its just a gossip session again.. senior (s) came over and talk alot about a.....
oh nad and siang are together!! awwww so cute.. aahahahahahha
well ltr going nad house, with h.. yay bus journey= talk about what happen on wed muahahaha
not sure if j coming...depends la she need go places.
well need to start studying more... my math and cep have to get better... IPC uhhhh depends uh so far the last few topic when i do the notes i understand the first few topics read again and see howw
next week everyday will be back, i cannot study at home..
gosh super hungry now sia..byeeeeeee

its ends tonight

When darkness turns to light it ends
just a little insight won't make this right.

Just because i know whats going to happen its not going to be all right.

what i see coming, Hurts.

Its the things you see coming that somehow hurt the most
like you know its there is coming, but when it hits you got nothing
nothing to come back, nothing to feel
i was tired after production, slept finally
but it feels weird having time on my hands..

yesterday night was not what i imagined it to be...i expected more i guess
i'll remember all the dancing we did for warm-ups
i'll remember the happy smiles, the crazy times when i teared but was laughing
i hope i do, production taught me my memories not the best thing so..
i will miss everyone. guess the title the end proved right..
cause when its over it really is the end. we'll probably never see the whole bunch again together
im sure i'll miss the seniors
especially g, she was a great senior. i don know how she or others feel about it, but she was great
she's like what people aspire to be. we take her seriously yet we know when she wants to have fun

i remember her screaming that day, how she came backstage and apologise,
to apologise for something is tough, but its also shows how genuine she was.
luq well, umm i had the moments when i hated him, but last night suddenly it all went away.
it was like, he's my senior and he has done things for us and been there....
 i just feel bad for them that they will have to sit down and listen to rene

actual production time:
im sorry julyn.. during rehearsals i was there helping you all the time, but when it actually mattered i somehow was missing? when they called us out for curtain call, i saw you come in and all i thought of was, crap i din put her dress out...
and your awesome by the way, to transition btw scenes and emotions... when im there like hurry change...blah blah blah
then had my scenes in btw, the artisstic was great, except when wayne got hurt.. uhhh ouch
my own actual scene im not happy with..till now i don't think my mind realised it was the actual thing and that i'd never get to do that again.

i still hate tmt thats not going to change
the morning was weird for me, i expected intensive rehearsal or stuff, but we were playing around
guess it will the last time huh, no more being so close to each other....not sure if i can still call syaf mummy....
its surprising how a group of people can go through such an experience together and bond soo much, but when the thing holding them together disappears, it dissolves.
the bond weakens.
gosh i talk like its already happened.. but honestly i don think im wrong to say it will
we won see each other that often, that bond will weaken..
its going to hurt when i go back to school and see the mundane people in my class.

wow no more kofu/bishan outings i suppose; bye 'usual' table
yeah now its just words but i'll feel it even stronger soon

i din do as well as i wanted to... i badly wanted to feel that high that day after humaira helped me.
i so desperately wanted to, the artistic scenes well the music is all the nudge i needed for the emotions. and yes so sorry wayne, i tried to steer you away from the block but sigh..
the seniors can tell me i did great and all but i know that to myself i could have done better\
im not sure which is worse, disappointing myself or others.
but well theres next production i will do my utmost best from the start.
ahahaha funny how going through one production makes you want to be in it even more...
for those skeptical about being in this one i bet feel otherwise now

oh how i will miss the current year 2.
they will come occasionally for drama; they have attachments so i can't really expect alot out of them
bye z.. you'll come but it won't be the same.. lately i have been trying to hug you more and longer but you got props and stuff to deal with so sigh.. after you become  senior you have duties and like g said before your relationship with the juniors will change, we can't take your words for granted anymore..cause you have an image to project to us to future stagearts drama people. oh my god i'm going to miss you soo much.... i don know why but we don talk much but i feel close to you...and like i've mentioned i LOVE hugging you!!

after production rene talked to us... was out of it i guess..i remember what she said, but like i din register till hami said she was upset over it, then im like upset? for what ??
for those who screwed up or feel you din give your best.. let it be. we have the next time.
then shiftet props and costumes.. ahahahaha i eneded up with the broken rack, so was half carrying dragging it.... and luq din realise it was broken sad..
then we had to carry the whole thing and stuff kept dropping out..
oddly it was fun, well i was laughing..
then w came and was like your carrying it?? uh you hold this i carry. ahaaha obviously refused
 then few steps ltr came the trolly yay left it with them and walked back
then transfer all the bags out.. sitting there when luq gave us food! yes... during curtain call everyone was like hungry.. then people packed and left. i was just sitting there.
i wondered like why are people leaving\can we not just sit for awhile and waste time\do they realise we may not get that together feel again\?
i badly wanted to just sit there and feel numb (okay i was tired too)
but s was like her bf and sis waiting for her.. and she don wan go first. so no choice had to leave.

i would do anything to go back and redo that moment.
okay i don't exactly know what that moment refers to, so lets say everytime spent with them
them being the ones i will cherish, the ones i don't have to see everyday to love.
them who when i see in sch i Will hug to death

lets live a life well wasted. hoping for the best yet expecting the worse
To the memories made.

10 minutes

                                       
                                       

              There comes to a point in time im not sure if i meant it a certain way or the way i said it.

words can tell a lie or truth

im still alive but im barely breathing..
its just a song, but it suddenly seems so true...

today morning woke up wanting to go bacck to sleep badly
but i had made plans with ppl so i force,
in the end to realise they don care enough to show the same effort.
that pissed me off

then fri;
well not sure if i still hate humairah?? confused.. i think i did extra =awesome cause i sick of her.
but then they like it so like uhhhh 'what just happened?'
so i assume i had fun on fri. cause i sometime enthu for the hyper things for my scene later on
well had my one on one with humairah... then ballet then do for g
g was super impressed i was like, finally!!! these stupid ppl get what they want..
they had like some farewell speech thingy..
i was amazingly super high after the ballet, my scene awesome..
then keep adding random comments
but otw home someone has to make me feel bad and ruin the high i had...
bus ride = tired/want to get away
so went home did proj... im pretty sick of having to do the extra work in all the projs
but then again i don't trust the other ppl to do a good job or even do it for that matter
ppl come on! its graded based on presentation skills not content??
and you tell me you don't want to practise?
and seriously that lecture is useless, you already tell me you learn from tuition one
so u can't skip the lecture to practise
they are going to pull me down. arghhhh i hate group work/presentation
they always get on my nerve.....

okay back to today or technically yest anyway sat;
went on time obvi no one there..
siang azfar came over....talked and waste time
saw hanisah, got prob with dancers
after that h came, open room
today was mostly take care of props/costumes/artistic scene things
then at 6 got run through
i was hesitant even before my scene, cause it suddenly wayne again
din do as well as yest, but i believe that yest i had reached my peak
luq thought it was good, g liked it ... but i can see h face i already feel bad...
she din need to say anything i knew where i had screwed up
then after that stupid seniors who don listen will bring it up agin...
like pls la i know okay~ i feel bad so shut up
and j, aahahaha see that i about to cry send s...big mistake, like she is the water tap
even if i don, she will then will make me so like uhhh major wrong move
the wrapped up..
seniors dump us go yishun, we go bishan'
left at like 11 shoots
got home at like 12
ppl took train, i and s take bus but diff bus..
w was walking home.... odd but he walked us to the bus stop and waited till the bus come.

then on the way home was thinking. like w is main lead but he also got stuff to do. but he gives alot of energy and effort.
and he is in most scene
yet im struggling with this one scene, i am in no position to complain..
but i feel bad that i they think i can do better, and i have no idea if i can

when full run through i went outside did my scene alone, the skipping takes alot out of me..
was super tired out of breath...
i never regain my breath till screamy...and i just stand there and be scared
gosh im happy scared happy scared in the same scene so many times..
suddenly people have the same line of thinking, scary sial
but maybe its for the best??
anyways after production i doubt we'll be this close, and it won't matter anymore
cause no one is going to care already.
so i don't change?
i feel like crying, but nothing comes out...
its like every time im on the verge i suck it in..
has anyone let a person cry, like why comfort!!??
just hold them and let them cry their heart out cause maybe sometimes thats what you gotta do

We found love in a hopeless place= i found joy in a hopeless place
cause its super short term and never going to work out


At times i wonder if its real or just that we were used to the arrangement that we din move?

renewed thoughts

I used to feel worse, so now that i kinda ignore it (possibly) or that something else is taking precedence makes it seem insignificant.
memory still seems to be blur
i used to have direction, till one thing made me wonder why bother having direction?
:: i din do well enough to get into the course/poly i wanted
i met this guy who had his whole life planned out.. i learnt it over kfc ahahahaha when i was super early for work
he knew what he wanted to do, he had timeplans.
but i kept wondering what if one thing falls through.
does he have a back up or his he adaptable/resilient enough to still go through??
i have a plan; its the type you create when a relative asks what u wanna do. that somehow when you think about seems not bad and like you could make work.
thats mine, or well it is to whoever asks..
two days of work and all i wanted to do was ask them whats going to happen in their life?
today was much busier, i met the elusive angie. (gosh, she's super pretty..seemed normal so far, but then again thats what they warned me of)

" Do unto others as you would them do unto you"
im pretty sure that quote is only mean to be used in 'revenge' situations, to be like the better man.
i mean in our normal lives, living by that would practically be a ticket for murder
i don't have sch tmr, yay.. but that also means im not forced to study and i could possibly be slacking the whole day... which im not going to be proud of. gosh damm cancelled lectures..
lemme hope its the other way round ~