to be happy

Up till now I thought wishing that people would be happy was a basic thing. A good thing. That telling someone "I just want you to be happy and safe" would alleviate their need to be anything more and reduce pressure they put on themselves. Because for abit it's enough to be just that. 

But what if happy is a struggle, that so many things fill your mind that the base line is so deep down.

Then in the instance wishing for someone to be happy would be the pressure. They think they need to be happy to please people, I mean it's what people expect right. And then they fall into the rabbit hole of pretending to be happy, so that at least everyone around them can breathe a little easier, can worry a little less. But it hurts you, cause you don't know if what you really are is acceptable, you don't know if it's enough, if it's ok. You don't know...you don't know who you are anymore. 

I'm sorry for all the unintended pressure I've placed on people by wishing you to be happy. I'm sorry to have made you feel like you had to be a certain way. I honestly was just blind. 

I've been so blind. And the truth is with all I read and observe and care I've never truly been where so many have been. And I'll never be able to feel it like they have. It hurts that I can't feel what has hurt them. I'm sorry I can't empthasize, I'm sorry I can't be someone to lean on in comaradarie, I'm sorry I don't feel. All I can be is someone to lean on.