Me internally: Nope auntie, I did not need that today.
Took a medical test last month for some insurance thing. And it's been a long long while since I last took my weight (pre-covid in school I believe) so I was plenty shocked to see the number. 42.5 I was doing so good at Lonza, I didn't drop below 45 so this felt like a blow. I don't like it. It's unhealthy and it just shows that I didn't take care of myself. It shows that I got into unhealthy habits and probably an unhealthy mindset. And I don't want to be that, I want to be healthy and I want to take care of my body. Its mine, it keeps me alive and allows me to do all the things I wanna do. It deserves better.
So since then weight/food has been floating around in the back of my mind. But somehow the more I try to be conscious of my portion it just backfires. And I know I can train myself to eat more, I've done this before. My relationship with food, I really became more aware of when I was in the US. When obviously everything I put in, was very much my choice. (All the cereal I ate when I got really tired to cook, the start of my reduced salt intake, the amount of sugar I consumed. SO many things)
Okay this was supposed to be a post about compliments, not the food journey, so let's get back to that.
As I sat a realised that the words she said would typically be considered a compliment it got me thinking. Okay so if I don't take that as a compliment then what do I want. What do I want to hear, what will I allow myself to receive (ala we accept the love we think we deserve). Immediately at the word compliment this Grey's scene of Christina came to mind "if you want to compliment me don't call me beautiful, call me brilliant".
What a person wants to receive as a compliment varies between people. We don't all have the same goals, dreams, and desires in life. A compliment is meant to acknowledge something someone is doing, that they are trying/good at it/excelling at it. Its meant to make them feel seen and known and appreciated for their efforts. The compliment should tailor to suit their wants and desires not just what we see is going great for them. It is possible to give detrimental compliments (as seen in my case), her compliment could actually encourage me to continue on this track which is not good. But i received external validation so, is it really bad?
I think at the end of the day, I need to figure out what I want for myself and work on that. I can beat myself up for all the potentially wrong choices I've made. Then there's nothing stopping me from beating myself up for all the choices I didn't make. Life is a circular loop of the choices and truths we choose. I promise myself to choose better.
(Draft, inaccurate date, circa Nov 2020)
