Thursdays

This is from really long. Last Thursday to be exact. 

But its taken me this long to compose my thoughts. 

Half because i thought i was over it (and then some one says something and it all just came back) half because i was not sure if any of this was validated. (the crying felt really hormonal and irrational) 

I thought I stopped, I really really thought I did. But here i am again nodding my head saying I understand. The same words, its the words its the tone. Have they seen me the same as F the whole time? My questions are accusations cause they believe I am challenging them when I really just don't understand. I don't want to be this person, but I already put this image out there. My first thought was how this is like the whole Ken thing again. I have to shutdown, clearly whatever I thought I was projecting is not what it is. You just become mute, save for what is needed. I feel like if words are the issue then the absence of words should fix it?/ its a easy way out but I don't want to be this person that people see this way. 

You lied to me. I'm not a nice person, not by a long shot. Look at all the mess I'm causing, back to stupid old things. Maybe people don't really change and we always go back to what we were.

Seems like Thursday feelings are becoming a thing now. 

So someone said something and it came back. This whole wave of confusion and who i am feelings. I felt like i should be alone, but every time i was alone i was basically on the verge of tears. But when i was with people i couldn't concentrate because something they said would make me go into overdrive and i start thinking too much about it. 

really glad i got to meet j though. People's opinions (people I like, I trust and know care about me) help me put things into perspective. Help me see it another way, a way where that is not the only issue or the biggest problem in the world. Cause honestly there are a lost worse issues people deal with in life. I've got it easy.  And I've thought about it j, I've been thinking about it. But somehow its just so hard for me to not care about something, to just ignore it and keep my head down. Especially when its related to making it easier for someone else. 

I had an idea, i asked for help/opinion and all he gave me was contradicting words! I get that he doesn't care and its not important enough to spend time on. I'm trying .. I am but its not so easy for me to not care. Not when i know i can do something to help. 

But how do i do it in a way that does not create more problems for people?

I'm not smart enough to know that line, this is a balancing act that i've yet had the chance to practice. 

Figured out there is a huge difference between going somewhere to 'train' and actually working full time.

"Follow the rules until they become so ingrained they are instinct, then follow your instinct"

(what if there are no rules? Or each person has their own rules? How long am i allowed to fumble around to learn all the rules? How long do I get a pass on not knowing the rules?)

And I get a bit nervous 
I get a bit nervous now
In the twelve months on I won't make friends with change 

When it gets hard 
I get a little stronger now I get a little braver now

And when it gets dark I get a little brighter now 
I get a little wiser now before I give my heart away