Does putting a lot of expectation and hope on something set us up for failure?
Or maybe its just the optimist that sets herself for failure.
The days seem to meld into each other so seamlessly that nothing stands out.
Nothing stands out.
When I bought Taylor's ticket that was a high, but the experience has drifted into a mere memory. I do remember telling myself that in that moment i was truly, genuinely, purely happy. I know i was, but i can't remember that i way. I think/feel like i've had this conversation before. The whole memory vs emotional memory thing. Where we can remember the emotions we've experienced but we cant feel it when we think of the memory or was it the opposite? Wouldn't surprise me if it was the other way round. Cause i feel like im going backwards.
Everyone seems to be improving, moving forward, growing, learning becoming more and there's me moving in the opposite direction. I am literally in the past (like date/hour wise) and as if that was not good enough mentally im going backwards.
What am i going to do?
When this is all over and i have to learn again. I have to learn how to become me again.
Within this storyline though there has been character development. I was a sheep following the herd and i broke free. I formed my own opinion and decided based on myself what that person was. So i guess I'll hold onto that? That maybe im not totally mentally lost, not yet.
(reminds me of iron man, where pepper gives tony his old 'heart' in a sealed box with the words 'proof that tony stark has a heart' and tbh i watch crap tv here too much, getting slightly hooked on to keeping up with the kardashians ) and i have people to hold on to. Because seeing them happy and becoming more makes me happy.
Thinking of watching curious in new york was a high, that just drifted away. Even on the day i booked the tickets i was just telling myself "its curious! This is what you have been waiting for!"Its a pretty stupid logic and i knew what i was doing, but i did it anyway. I don't know what i feel about the show. I think i do, i just don't want to admit it out loud. When i find the courage to face things head on that is when things will improve. I just hope i find that courage faster, kinda really need it now.
You know it can get hard sometimes
It is the only thing that makes us feel alive
We keep this love in a photograph
We made these memories for ourselves
Where our eyes are never closing
Hearts are never broken
Times forever frozen still
