We should really stop trying to be strong for others
and just be strong for ourself
not sure if today was cause im sick or what but it was SO nerving.
like i feel the weird tension in my jaws and sudden cold flush.
After sch did my lab report, then went to club room
wayne had to play the stupid artistic song..
felt so out of it
then did semi warm up. they started on sc1 i left to go practise outside
h showed up, so that was pressure initself.
then came back, after prac. g announced that year 3 will coach individual ppl
j got stuck with g and nigel, im like isn one person enough, two ppl all alone. pressure sia
then luq suppose to help me and sis, but like smth wrong with his brain he rope in wayne and humairah
since he never see the sc in like really long we did it. i asked if i can don sing.
when he ask why all i could say was like i don feel like it ( which really is the reason)
then lucky humairah left, so i was not so nervous.
she came in half way but din notice till the end.
so what i need to do: skip more, run when im scared, bigger actions. more intonation.
then they make us each go one corner think and get into character. i tried then gave up, ended up staring at things... seniors obviously not communicating, g say i too fairy/child like. then luq wants that
g tells me don think too much, they force me go one corner think.
like im never going to be able to think happy thoughts/memories and get happy. i can only fake it
or you try to make me happy.
And thankfully wayne told luq i was sick.. or else think he will critique more which at that point not good. i realised most of the cast that turned up is sick..
and seriously these ppl(seniors) make me wonder and doubt if i've actually been truly happy in my life before. main reason i can't think happy thoughts, i cannot recall any happy memory...
you:
i guess im not the sort to tell people things willingly. when im in an off mood, i want ppl to make me happy, but i push them away with my 'attitude' like i want them to try harder. stupid reasoning i know. im sure you've seen me like avoid/walk away when ppl talking to me recently. its like how to say i don know if they will make me feel better or worse. so i stay away? i should stop that rite? the doubting and pushing away. why i don tell people things is cause i never know when they'll use it against me, or whether they will view me differently. lets try to find what we had on each other before this got serious.
Tmr got drama at 12 think at this rate i'll sleep late. just hope i don feel sick or nerved tmr.
its a fresh start i should have energy. i'll give it more tmr (as in try to find the extreme i can go in terms of fake happiness), if i don feel sick that is.
